Innocence Lost

I recently changed my Facebook profile pic to one of me when I was just a wee Robyn. It wasn’t just because I couldn’t think of another pic to use at the time; I did so for a very specific reason. I even found myself looking at the picture for a few minutes…just staring. I saw features from both my mom and my dad. I saw my stupid cowlick on the right side of my head that still drives me nuts to this day. What I really noticed however was the look of wonder and innocence in my eyes. When I was little things were so simple. I went to school. I came home. I played with my friends. My parents provided food, shelter, clothes, and anything else I needed including affection. I didn’t always get what I wanted, but I usually got over things fairly easy. My biggest battles then probably had to do with bedtime, fighting with my brother and/or sister, and not liking what was put on my plate.

I remember thinking that I could not WAIT until I was grown up. I guess it’s a good thing that back then things went in one ear and out the other, because if I had actually listened I would have been TERRIFIED of living life as an adult! What’s that saying about being careful what you ask for?!? I would have heard stories about bills and grown up responsibilities. I would have understood then that people die, relationships end, and life is full of disappointments. Some of these experiences can be so big they can change your life forever. I would have had trouble comprehending all that I would have to endure over my lifetime. Sure I’m being the “glass is half empty” girl right now, but it’s not the easy things you learn lessons from and help you grow as an individual, but rather it’s the difficult and the trying times in which you do. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve expressed how much I wish I could learn something the “easy” way for once. I guess looking back my life is one lesson after another. I wonder who I would be today had I not ignored the warnings of my elders. Who would I be today had I not made the mistakes I’ve made or learned the lessons placed before me.

Lately I’ve been wishing I could go back to that time of innocence when everything was simple. I would enjoy the theory that ignorance really is bliss and just revel in my life which lacked any adult responsibilities. I wouldn’t want to have to live my life over again. After all, I think we would all agree that it is hard enough just going through your life once. I would just want to go back to that time almost as if I was on a vacation from reality. I wouldn’t have to worry about doing laundry. I wouldn’t have to worry about fixing dinner. I wouldn’t have to worry about what is to come because at that age the simplicity of life would be all I would know.

Sadly, that is but a dream. The thing with reality is that it is real. Sometimes you roll with it as if you’re just following the flow of traffic on the highway. Sometimes it feels like you’re driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Then there are the times that it feels like your car is stuck on the train tracks and all you can do is sit and wait for the collision. I’m not sure which vehicle I’m in right now, but I have a feeling another lesson is around the next corner…assuming that’s not the sound of a train whistle I hear.

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About robynthorn

I'm just a girl learning that I'm perfectly normal after all these years.
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