The 9th Dwarf

I have a lot of useless knowledge running around in my head. For example, I can quickly rattle off all nine of Santa’s reindeer (including Rudolph) as well as the Greek alphabet. What makes that more interesting is that not only am I Jewish, but I was also never in a sorority in college. I still remember the order of operations in math as well as the breakdown of the biological classifications thanks to some clever mnemonics I learned many moons ago in school. One bit of useless data I’ve stockpiled into my long-term memory includes all seven dwarves from Snow White. I don’t really remember ever watching the entire movie, but for some reason I can go through their names like a mom running through all of her kids’ names before getting to the one she was trying to say. The seven dwarves are: Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy, Dopey, Sneezy, Bashful, & Doc.  It is this last group to which I have added two additional names: Lumpy and Thumpy.

Lumpy, aka Maggie, my first dog, was given this name because she eventually developed some fatty tumors on her as the years went by. They were completely harmless, but nonetheless, she definitely lived up to her name. The latter of the two newest dwarves was so named for my upstairs neighbor.  Now I have lived downstairs from Thumpy for a while now, and there are many times I have prayed for the ability to reverse gravity so I could give her a taste of her own medicine. I’m convinced she either walks on her heels or is constantly moving boxes around.  The concept of walking softly has never occurred to her and I’m about to make the trek upstairs with my big stick to introduce her to it.

What worries me is that she has a lot of power up there. After all, she controls my ceiling. I just don’t understand how someone could be that inconsiderate of someone else. I do my best to tread lightly as I do not want to disturb my downstairs neighbor. Sure there have been times that I’ve accidentally dropped something, but regardless of whether he can hear me or not I always apologize out loud.

Thumpy is not only annoying to me, but she has been cited before by others in the complex. Last year, she finally took down her Christmas decorations and put her live tree out on her balcony. That wouldn’t have been a big deal, but the dead (REALLY DEAD) tree stayed out there until at least March.  When I finally called the management office to complain (in late February), they were surprised it was still there as several others, as well as their office, had already complained to her. Now, yet another difference between the two of us is that she probably swept off her patio by shoving the needles off the edge. After all, they’re biodegradable right?! Um…not when they create a HUGE pile on MY balcony!! I’m not sure how gravity really works, but apparently pine needles don’t travel downward in a straight line. It appears that balconies have a heavier gravitational force and are able to SUCK in whatever falls from above. Now if you’ve ever tried to sweep up pine needles from a cement balcony you know it’s not the easiest task. Sure, I could have just done what she did and swept them off the edge, but again, that’s how we’re different. I would never do that to my downstairs neighbor. That meant that I, someone who is Jewish, had to sweep up dead Christmas tree pine needles that obviously weren’t mine to begin with. So, now Thumpy apparently controls my ceiling AND the contents of my balcony.

I know this dwarf and I will soon come face-to-face and I will do my best to choose my words carefully. Even as I sit here, with my tv on and my dishwasher running, I can still hear the sounds of her upstairs as if she’s a child who was told to go take out the trash and she doesn’t wanna do it!! I was recently given some advice when it comes to talking to people that I may actually try out on her. You can say anything to another person as long as you smile or laugh when you say it. For example, calling someone an asshole is typically seen as insulting, but imagine saying it while smiling and maybe giggling a little. It’s not necessarily taken in the same light. Guys are great at this! I’ve seen this play out so many times without anyone’s feelings getting hurt and it’s simply due to how the words were delivered.  This is not necessarily something that women do with their girlfriends, let alone one female neighbor does with, oh let’s say an annoying upstairs neighbor, but at least it’s something I have in my verbal arsenal if need be. I can promise my encounter with Thumpy will not end up going viral on YouTube, but I at least hope she will think twice about taking up Riverdancing in her spare time. Now…if only I could do something about my amorous neighbors on the other side of my bedroom wall. From what I can tell, she agrees with her partner…a lot!!!