There was a time when I was so out of shape I couldn’t jog longer than about 30 seconds without feeling like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I remember wanting someday to be able to get to the point where I could run a 5K. That goal seemed so unattainable that I never thought it would happen. I’m happy to say that, since that time, I’ve run many 5Ks, and earlier this year completed a half marathon, although I walked the second half due to my knees revolting for putting them through that insanity. For many people who have never considered themselves a runner, there are tools out there that will walk you through going from getting your tushy off your couch to crossing the finish line of one of a number of races. It got me thinking after listening to a podcast during my morning drive the other day if there would be some sort of similar route to allow a “regular person” to go from their couch to being an Olympian.
I would think that the first thing you must consider is what skills do you already have in your athletic arsenal that would get you to the end goal as quickly as possible. Do you already enjoy running? Are you able to leap tall horizontal beams in a single bound? Can you ski the K-12 with a kid on a bike chasing you? If so, you may be closer to the end goal than most.
I started thinking about what events I could work towards without the fear of being laughed at during the Olympic trials. What I found was there were a multitude of ones that I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of competing in that it made me giggle. Here is what I came up with:
- Water Polo & Synchronized swimming – Both of these require hours of treading water. That in itself seems so exhausting that I had to take a nap upon this realization.
- Fencing – Just the thought of not being able to use the line, “I am not left handed,” (since I am) or not having a competitor who is looking for the six-fingered man would be a total let down.
- Sailing – Considering that I still get spooked jumping off a diving board into the deep end and expecting Jaws to attack me from below makes me realize that purposely putting myself in that very situation would not be the wisest decision.
- Diving – See #3. Plus, potentially ending my practice or competition with a belly flop or back buster is reason enough to avoid this one altogether.
- Cycling (of any sort) – Until they make a bicycle seat made out of a bean bag chair, you won’t catch me on one anytime soon. I think my derriere still hurts from the last time I went for a ride and that was well over a year ago.
- Archery – I know my name is spelled with a “y,” but I don’t want to risk forever being called Robyn Hood.
I guess my chance of being a contender in the competitions already in place are quickly dwindling. Here are some fictional Olympic events that I could confidently say would result in me standing atop the highest podium while listening to our amazing national anthem being played:
- Pantry Organizing – Ok…so this would really be any organizing event – pantry, drawers, computer files, party plans, etc. I’d probably have a devilish grin on my face the whole time. That should make for some great pics for my Wheaties box debut.
- Coloring Inside The Lines – It is my attention to detail that gives me the upper hand in completing this event successfully and leaving my competition in the dust.
- Picture Leveling – Considering that my superhero name is “The Level-er,” I have no doubt that few could compete with my ability to ensure that a frame is both level and plumb. This could also morph into desk arrangement, as it is only logical to have everything at 90 degree angles, hence the term “right” angles. Everything else is just wrong.
- Random Fact, Movie Line, & Song Lyrics Quoter – If you ask me if I remember what I learned in college, you will find that it is not the book learning that I can easily recall, but rather the little tidbits of useless information that serve no real purpose. Furthermore, I’d have to say that while humans use a small portion of our brain capacity, mine is probably 99% full of this kind of information, some of which is very obscure. The best part about this event is that as you’re competing, you’re adding even more useless knowledge to your collection. Why have they not started this?!?!
So who’s with me? It’s time we put our talents to good use, encourage some patriotism, and win the gold for the USA!!