Do I Need To Be Here For This?

Someone once asked me what’s worse on a first date – no attraction or nothing to talk about. In my opinion it would be the latter. To me, there’s nothing worse than an attractive man who has nothing to say. There is one exception to that – when my date is doing all the talking and the conversation is completely one-sided.

A few years ago, I began chatting online with a very attractive man who fortunately didn’t live too far from me. It wasn’t long after that before we scheduled our first date. We met at a sports bar to have a drink and visit for a while. I liked the atmosphere of the place and had been there before. It had a good energy yet wasn’t too loud for good conversation.

I met him just inside and was very pleased, as he looked just like his pictures. We found a table inside close to the door for the outside patio. We each ordered a beer and he ordered a burger and fries, as it was closer to dinner time. We continued our conversation that had started that afternoon, and it all seemed to be going well…

Very quickly, the conversation took a turn, and it began to revolve around my date’s ex. Let’s just say he did NOT have nice things to say about her. This continued for a good 15 minutes before I tried to steer the conversation in another direction by asking about his family.  He followed my detour, but apparently the conversation cruise control clicked on and we were back to talking about his ex again.

My interest in this conversation was so over. At no time was I asked about myself, my interests, my work, how my beer was, or anything remotely off topic. He seemed very angry, and I began to wonder if I even needed to be there. After all, he could have the same conversation with himself, and I could go do something else like bang my head against the wall or play in traffic.

The painful visit finally came to an end. Any attraction I felt for him upon meeting was long gone. In fact, I found him rather ugly at this point. Personality really does make a difference. We said our goodbyes, and I breathed a sigh of relief that the date was finally over. The best part about that night was that I knew I would never have to see him again.

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Ken Without A Barbie

I don’t know why I do, but I remember the first four men I met online. After that, I’ll be honest…it’s a blur, but the first four are still very vivid in my mind. Of them, the one that stands out the most was Ken aka “#3.” This is not because of an amazing connection we had or how he swept me off my feet but rather because my date with him was the worst date I’ve ever had.

Shortly after we started talking, Ken told me that his best friend and his best friend’s wife were going to be in town and asked if I’d like to join them Saturday night on a double date. The plan was to go to dinner and then dancing downtown. In an effort to be adventurous and to meet new people, I said sure!

The afternoon before the date, he texted me while he and his friends were at lunch and said, “Missing you!” I thought, “Ummmm…dude…we haven’t even met yet.” I let it go, as I was doing my best to keep an open mind. The plan was for us to meet up at his apartment and then we would ride together to dinner and then downtown. Ken didn’t live too far away, so I had no trouble making it to his apartment in plenty of time.

Now, before you say anything, I know that going to his place was not the smartest idea, but I am still here to tell this harrowing story, so let us move past that snafu.

At the beginning of the night, I had high hopes for the date given that he was two years older than I was. I figured it might be nice to go out with someone older and more mature than the previous guys I had met prior to online dating. I knocked on his door, and when he opened it and greeted me I realized he didn’t quite look like his pictures. He was quite a bit heavier and shorter than his pics made him out to be. Now, I have no height requirement when it comes to dating, but I do ask that your pictures are current and your profile is accurate. It turned out that Ken was shorter than me which caught me off guard. Again…this fact was not what was listed on his profile. After all, I’m only 5’4 ½” and was wearing a slight heel. What made it even more awkward was the fact that his buddy was at least 6’4”. Talk about the odd couple.

The other thing that set off a red flag was the fact that his best friend and his wife who were joining us were in their early 20’s. They were a very sweet couple, but I thought it was odd that someone who was 40 was best friends with someone who was barely legal to drink. Two things popped into my head upon meeting the other couple – 1. They were very mature for their age, or 2. My date wasn’t. Take a guess which is the right answer.

We all headed to a Japanese restaurant for some sushi before heading downtown. I enjoy sushi, so again, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that I’d be proven wrong with my hypothesis. We ordered a couple rolls and Ken decided to partake of some sake. I felt trapped, as I was at the mercy of this man who was our driver for the night, and I quickly realized that he was drinking a little much that soon. I’m not much of a drinker, so going out with someone who feels they need to drown their feelings is not my idea of a good time.

The food really was good but we ordered a bit much, so a to-go box was filled with the leftovers. Ken paid the check and we all headed back to his truck for phase two of our evening. Now I need to give you an idea of the area where this restaurant was located, as the reason for this will quickly be revealed. We were in a very highly developed shopping area. There were stores all around us like a Bed Bath & Beyond, Barnes & Noble, Old Navy, etc. You know, your typical suburbia. The reason I say this is because after I had climbed into the truck (thank goodness!!) and despite this being a paved, somewhat busy area, my “date” decided it would be appropriate to pee next to his truck. Yes ladies…this was my date!

We all headed downtown and parked in a lot that was a bit out of the way. Fortunately, being in a truck made parking easy since it was almost like off-roading. We proceeded to walk to our first bar and in the process, Ken’s belt broke. He had a huge belt buckle (it is Texas after all) and it apparently pissed him off. He pulled off his belt removed the buckle and threw both of them into the shrubs. His buddy, who had given him the buckle dug through the greenery to retrieve it as he figured his buddy would want it the next day when he was sober.

We made our way into the first bar and ordered drinks. We didn’t stay long and soon made our way to a country bar complete with a raised dance floor and mechanical bull. For whatever reason, Ken felt it would be appropriate to try to shove ice down my shirt. Yeah…he’s a classy guy! He also made a rude comment to a woman walking by. Upon hearing his remark, the woman stopped and turned to give him a very deserving look to which he replied, “What are you looking at, bitch?” I. Was. MORTIFIED!!

Ken’s buddy was nice enough to ask me to dance, but being that he was a foot taller than me, it proved to be a bit challenging. We took a few turns around the dance floor, as I tried to avoid my date as much as possible. It was finally time to call it a night, and I was breathing a sigh of relief. Ken was in no shape to drive, but thankfully his buddy was sober. The three of us walked back to the truck while Ken staggered as best he could. I got into the truck and buckled up and then it happened again. Yep…that’s right…Ken peed next to his truck yet again. He finally climbed into the cab, unfortunately next to me, and his buddy and his wife got in the front seat. I was glad to be in good hands as far as driving goes, but Ken was trying to be affectionate in the back seat. I was having NONE of that! He figured since he had a snack sitting there that he’d finish the rest of the leftovers from dinner. The thought of him eating after not washing his hands made me a bit nauseated.

We got back to his place finally. I thanked his buddy for driving and said it was nice meeting him and his wife. I waved goodbye to Ken from afar and quickly got into my car before I became the third location of him relieving himself. I had never been so happy to be home in my entire life!

The next day I was going about my day and got a text from Mr. Pee-body. He said, “Hi there. How are you feeling today?” It was as if he thought I might have had too much to drink or something the night before when in fact I was STONE SOBER when I left his company. In fact, after the first bar I had nothing to drink but water in case I needed to drive us back. I didn’t dignify it with a remark and quickly deleted his texts. I could not believe I actually thought that with age comes maturity. The sad part of all this is that I discovered a year later that he got married. I can’t imagine what kind of woman would marry someone like him, but I guess I figured if even HE could find someone then there has to be hope for me.

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Swiping Catfish

Let me paint you a picture. You swipe through a plethora of pictures on an online dating site. Every so often, you come across one that you find attractive. You view all his pictures, read his profile, and then, and only then, do you swipe right. This is to indicate that you are interested in this person. You continue on most of the time, going through pictures of a myriad of men. Every so often, when you finally swipe right, you are instantly notified that it’s a mutual match. Sometimes you’ll find out later that’s the case. Either way, this is typically when the conversation between two people begins.

You go through the typical questions – What do you do for a living? How long have you lived in the area? Where in the area are you located? (Most of the time it is RARE to meet someone who lives anywhere close to you.) How is the site treating you? What do you do for fun? The list goes on and on. It usually feels like you’re at a job interview, but, this time, the job you’re applying for is girlfriend.

If things go well, you eventually exchange numbers because it’s a pain in the ass to keep logging into an app to communicate with someone. Texting is soon initiated, however there are times you go “old school” and end up actually talking on the phone. I know…crazy! In my opinion, you definitely don’t want to date someone whose voice annoys the hell outta you, so a phone call is warranted.

As things develop, you both decide you’re comfortable enough to meet. In my case, you make sure you look and smell nice. You arrive on time and have one thought running through your head as you are about to meet this person – “Please, for the love of G-d, let him look like his pics!!” You’d think this wouldn’t be an issue. After all, you’ve viewed his profile, talked to him, and now will actually meet in person to confirm everything is as it should be. Here is where the EPIC FAIL occurs. This might shock you, but PEOPLE ARE DISHONEST ABOUT WHO THEY ARE AND WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE IN THEIR ONLINE DATING PROFILES!!!

When your date doesn’t look like their pictures, this is referred to as “catfishing.” It’s that old bait and switch trick. They lure you in with pictures that depict them at their prime. In some cases this can be 20+ years ago. The problem is, you have no way to know until you arrive. What fascinates me is that when you match up with someone and things go well, you will eventually MEET THEM IN PERSON. Do these idiotic people (both men and women) not think you’ll notice?! Do these idiotic people not think you’ll mind being lied to & deceived before you’ve even met?

I have always been honest about who I am and what I look like in my profile pictures. I’ve been told many times that I either look just like my pictures or better than them in person. Well DUH! The reason is because my pictures are current. They were not taken by the Bigfoot photographer. I do not have five people in my pictures causing them to guess which one is me. I’m not wearing sunglasses to hide my weird-looking eyes. (That’s happened too many times to count!!) I’m not wearing hats in all my pictures to hide my hair, or lack thereof. (..and to clarify, I find bald men very attractive, but don’t get me started on the fantastic mullets I’ve seen.) The list of picture “don’ts” could go on and on. The point is, be the person you represent yourself to be online and this process would be a whole lot easier.

There are many more dating shenanigans that I’ll be posting soon, but I wanted to give you some insight into the world of single life today. It is NOT an easy thing. It gets exhausting being rejected over and over. It’s sad how many times you are completely disrespected on a regular basis. I don’t date a lot. When I am told that I’m trying too hard, I want to slap someone. One date in two months is not trying hard. I don’t date just to get a meal. I am one of the few actually looking for something worthwhile. To be told that the right one will come along when I least expect it may seem like good advice, but it trivializes the effort I put in each time I meet someone. Again, I’m honest about who I am and what I look like. I’m an open book and am happy to discuss any topic as long as the person is talking with me and not at me. What you must realize is that most people aren’t like that. In addition, I am never approached in public by any men, which means that the only way, most of the time, to even meet a guy is online. Do I like it? HELL NO! In today’s world, however, there is no online dating…there is just dating. The online portion of it is just the reality that allows two people who would not have otherwise crossed paths to get to know one another.

My advice is be kind to the single population. It takes a great deal of strength to put yourself out there time and time again. I, for one, am taking a break for a bit. If someone comes into my life and dazzles me, then I’d be open to it, but I’d rather be single and happy than dating and frustrated.

 

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Wisdom Beyond Their Years

As adults, we tend to rely on our elders for advice and knowledge. We know that with age comes wisdom, as people are the sum of their experiences. This isn’t always the case, but I’ve found that it’s true more often than not. It never ceases to amaze me when I encounter someone with wisdom far beyond their years, especially when that person is a young child or teenager. I was lucky enough to be surrounded by not one, but many young people this last weekend, and it reminded me why it’s important to let those voices be heard.

For those of you not familiar with a Bar Mitzvah, this is a Jewish rite of passage as one goes from being a boy to being considered an adult in the Jewish community. For a girl, it is known as a Bat Mitzvah, but it is the same transition as it is for males. Typically, they are 13 years old when this happens. For those going through this process, it can include a year’s worth of studying and preparation as many prayers are learned as well as blessings and passages in Hebrew.

The Bar or Bat Mitzvah leads the congregation during the service and gets to read from the Torah, the first five books of the Bible. The portion that they read and study is based on that week’s lesson, as the entire Torah is read during the Jewish year. There is a different lesson to be learned with each portion, so depending on when it will occur during the year will determine what is studied. It is a huge undertaking and even bigger celebration. I celebrated mine…way back when. To this day, I can still remember the passages I had chanted and prayers I had sung.

The one I attended last weekend was a bit different, as it was two young men going through it together. In this case, it is referred to a B’nai Mitzvah. They both took turns leading the service and doing their readings. Each was extremely poised and confident as they went along. I watched each of them and thought how at ease they both seemed as if they spoke and sang in front of large crowds regularly.

Despite the fact that they each studied the same Torah portion, their interpretation of how it related to their lives was as unique as they were. I listened as they spoke from their hearts. Their thoughts were quite profound, and I had to remind myself several times that these young men were only 13 years old. You could tell they’d spent time putting their thoughts into words. It made me realize that wisdom comes from all ages, and we should always open our ears and minds when speaking with others, both young and old.

A tradition following their speeches is for each Bar/Bat Mitzvah to have a private conversation with the rabbi (or rabbis in this case) followed by a blessing from him or her. As I watched the conversation unfold, I listened to the beautiful song being sung by several congregants. I could only see the interaction between the young men and their religious leaders, however I felt touched as I thought back to my own conversation with my rabbi, whom I still hold very dear. I could see the attentiveness with which each Bar Mitzvah showed throughout the discussion, and it was that – a discussion. Each young man took turns responding in unison and individually as they were addressed. I could tell they had something to say, and I knew they were being heard by each other as well as their elders. I sat thinking how I hope they remember this moment just as I have all these years later.

That evening, both families celebrated together with an incredibly fun party complete with a fantastic DJ who had us all dancing and participating in some hilarious games, a casino night complete with roulette, blackjack, and craps tables, a photo booth, cupcake & candy bar, and amazing food and drinks. This was the time for everyone to cut loose and celebrate all the hard work that finally paid off for these young men. This was the first time in a very long time that I had been surrounded by this many young adults and kids. It was so much fun to watch their interaction with family, friends, and even complete strangers. It was a very joy-filled night and one I’m sure we’ll remember for a very long time.

In this day and age, we all forget sometimes that our differences are a good thing. We even overlook a child’s thoughts and ideas simply because of their youth. Many of the most amazing, thought-provoking ideas have come to me from people in their early stages of life. Some have overcome things I hope never to have to experience, while others see things more clearly simply because the burdens of life have yet to influence their outlook on it. I encourage you to stop and take some time to listen, truly listen, to what others have to say. We can all lose our sense of wonder, but a reminder is always out there if we are open to receive it.

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Showering Thoughts

A while back I wrote a blog referring to my discovery about brushing my teeth called Short, Sweet, Pointless. Today, thanks to an article I read, I now have a new pondering thought that I’d like to pose to you. While showering, into which category do you fall?

  1. Face the showerhead
  2. Face away from the showerhead
  3. Both face it and face away from it evenly throughout the showering process

Now, when choosing a category, I want you to pick the answer that pertains the majority of your shower. As with most situations, people tend to think that everyone does the same thing. After all, only weird people would do something different, right?! As for me, I face away from the showerhead. It has never made sense to me that one would face it. Doing so makes it hard to breathe unless you’ve somehow eaten some Gillyweed and have grown gills. (Where are my Harry Potter fans?!)

I have further wondered if the choice above is dependent upon the below categories:

  • Gender
  • Length of hair
  • Height in comparison to location of showerhead
  • Water pressure

I don’t really know how I made the decision of which direction to face. I guess it’s like choosing a side of the bed. Why I sleep on that side is a mystery. It’s not as if it is more comfortable than where I normally sleep, yet it feels odd to have the edge of the bed on the other side. I guess what this boils down to is that in the shower I don’t want to drown while in my bed…well…I’m just weird.

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My Golden End

Many times something comes into our lives and changes it for the better. It fills a part of our soul that has been searching for something meaningful and fulfilling. It is only when your soul is at peace that you can finally let it go. That happened for me this week, as I made the decision to give up my position with Gold’s Gym as a Zumba instructor.

Just for the record, I am still a certified Zumba instructor, and most likely will remain so. The decision to leave Gold’s Gym was simply that my heart just wasn’t in it like it used to be. I didn’t feel it was fair for them to rely on me to be available to sub classes for several reasons. Currently, my commute to and from work is an hour each way. Even if a sub is needed in the evening, without advanced notice, I just can’t make it there in time. Additionally, I’m fairly busy during the week and weekends, so even being free to teach has become quite the challenge. Lastly…well…if I’m being honest, I just got burned out on it.

For those of you who have taken a group fitness class, please know that instructors put in a LOT of work outside class just be prepared for the time you’re with them. For example, many formats get a CD/DVD every quarter for a completely new class that they have to memorize, and they are required to follow it exactly.

Zumba is a bit different. Being a freestyle class, we have no set playlist or choreography. Each song is chosen by each individual instructor and we are solely responsible for the choreography. Imagine listening to a song 50-100 times just to get the choreography down and then teaching it for weeks on end after that while trying to keep a fresh and motivating attitude each time that song is played. Now multiply that times 13-15 songs. That’s what makes up a class.

Additionally, think about all the stress and frustration you deal with in your normal day-to-day lives that can make it difficult at times to find your smile. We instructors put that aside. We have to. We smile through the pain, cheer through the heartache, and motivate each person while sometimes struggling to work through our own challenges. I’m not saying that every instructor has this much weighing on them, nor did I most of the time, but the passion for it has to be there or finding the motivation can lose its luster.

I have met some incredible people over the last almost six years. (WOW! I can’t believe I’ve been teaching for that long!) Of the fellow group fitness instructors I’ve worked with, their endurance, stamina, and positive attitudes are truly inspiring. Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to pursue becoming an instructor in the first place. I am forever grateful for the opportunity and don’t regret a single moment. Finally, my Zumba peeps, who put a smile on my face even when going through difficult times personally, have and always will hold a very special place in my heart. It was a privilege and honor to be your instructor as well as your friend. In the end, I simply hope we all continue to dance through life together with a happy soul and smile to share.

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The Happy Hypothesis

It turns out that my upcoming birthday has a lot in common with the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. You see, in the movie “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” it was asked of Deep Thought, a computer the size of a small city, this very question. After 7 ½ million years, the answer it calculated was, in fact, 42. In fact, even Siri seems to know this.

meaning-of-life

Coincidentally, on the 22nd of this month I will be turning 42. Because of this, as I do before most birthdays, l have been thinking much about the meaning of life. My answer, just like 42, is simple – be happy.

As my birthday approaches, I realize I have much to be happy about, but am I happy all the time? Of course not!! Like many others, I have my moments of road rage or the need for a good cry. Fortunately for me, being a rubber band, those thoughts tend to be more the exception than the rule.

For me, being happy quite often comes from making others happy. Showing empathy or just listening can mean the world to someone. Sharing a smile seems so simple, but it can completely turn someone’s whole day around. These small acts always seem to come back to me threefold which is why I find them effortless for the most part.

It’s taken some time, but I’m learning to put myself first and to stand up for what I want and need. This has made a world of difference. I used to spend so much time worrying about what others might think as to why I was or was not doing something. The thing is…I don’t owe anyone an explanation for why I do anything. I don’t say this to sound harsh, but I learned from a very funny, yet poignant cartoon something very valuable. People will judge you whatever you do, so do what makes you happy. It’s funny how something so simple can make such an impact on your life.

In the past, I tended to bend over backwards to make others happy only to get nothing in return. Now I remember something I read – “There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t jump a puddle for you.” This changed my life for the better. Again, coming to this realization has been empowering. Have I lost friendships because of it? A few, but I then quickly realized that friendships only exist if both people have mutual love and respect for each other.

As I enter my 42nd year of life, I hope that I continue to find this type of clarity. I am optimistic that life will continue to get richer and more interesting with each passing year. I look forward to the roots of my friendships growing stronger and deeper while still cultivating new ones at the same time. Finally, I feel I am on the right path to proving my hypothesis. I just refuse to believe that life has any meaning without happiness at its core.

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